The wiring. Man. What a mess! Knob and tube hanging on lats attached with square head nails to a rough cut timber connected to nothing (we hope). Newer wiring criss-crossing above in the ceiling and down the exposed walls. Many a time my husband was left scratching his head asking ‘why did they do it that way’ or ‘what is this even connected to?’
You guessed it, made me think, what am I connected to?
I’d like to say that all the things in my life are new connections, allowing fresh insight to flow and energize my entire being. But I still find myself going back to old patterns of thought like ‘what makes me think I can do that?’ or ‘am I good enough? smart enough? brave enough to attempt that?’ Sets me on a course that winds and circles back to dark places in my past where I allowed those kinds of thoughts to keep my face hidden from God. I did not want to believe He loved me enough to die for me. I could not believe I had that kind of value. There were so many other people so much more than me. He should lavish them with blessing was my stinking thinking. I was wired into a habit of self recrimination that held me back from fully experiencing the love of God. He never loved me less, I just refused to accept it as fact.
Learning to see myself as a beloved child of God, heir to the Kingdom, required some drastic rewiring. Some of the got old wrenched out, like the knob and tube, but some also left behind, serving no purpose or connected to anything, other then reminders of what had once been.
I’m still finding some sparks of the old me but verses like-
Psalm 42:11 New International Version (NIV)
11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-remind me who I am wired into.